I am on a journey

I am sitting alone in a dark forest. Not deep in the wilderness, though, but on the edge of an old farmstead, right beside an ancient sacred grove. The sun set a couple of hours ago. Even though it is the height of summer, the middle of the night is still dark. Only sounds from the fields and forest remain. The birds packed their songs away some time ago already. And yet, every now and then, something sweeps silently across the horizon with the soft rustle.

So here I am. Alone with myself. I am on a journey. I am surprised that the midnight forest is not frightening after all, when suddenly I wake up from something between sleep and wakefulness at a loud scream coming from very close by, right beside me. Almost immediately comes another scream. And then everything falls quiet again. Only the wind whispers through the tops of the birches. Still, it seems that someone has landed in the young maple tree growing beside me. Or perhaps I only imagined it... I zip my jacket up to my chin again. It is a little chilly, despite it being summer, and I settle back against the trunk of the birch, or rather, against a birch that splits into two trunks. I find myself wondering why I felt no fear at the scream, when suddenly a loud rustling comes from the meadow nearby, followed by a strange barking sound. That is certainly no dog! Whatever it is, it sounds nothing like one. The bark comes again. Then I realize—it is the roe buck I had heard about earlier, whose resting places in the grass I had noticed several times during the day, and about whom I had been warned, as he was known to roam around here. Strangely enough, I even feel happy about this encounter—doesn’t matter if it is only through sound. Who knows, had I met him out there in the open meadow, perhaps I would have been terrified... or perhaps not. Nature!

The darkness deepens. Sunrise is still several hours away. I came here in search of a vision. I cannot even say exactly what kind. Thousands of strange thoughts race through my mind. Once again, I drift into a light sleep, though I should really be staying awake. Yet I have not slept as well as in those brief moments for a very long time. So there I sit, my back against the birch, travelling inward. Whether it is the realm of dreams or the midnight forest itself, a path begins to unfold before my eyes. A narrow country road with two worn wheel tracks, grass growing between them, and taller grass lining the edges. The road itself is sunlit, gently curving, almost as though it were dancing along its own way. I wake again. Time seems not to have moved at all. It is still dark. I stand up, stretch, and pace around for a while. Then I find myself gazing towards the southeast, at the patch of sky visible between the treetops, at the old Tammetsõõr, ancient sacred ground that has old oaks growing around in a circle, and at the trees surrounding me. Suddenly, I notice a birch standing directly opposite me, a little farther away. Someone has drawn a heart into its trunk.

I sit down once more and turn my face towards the northeast. Perhaps dawn is about to break? Did you know that in Estonia the sun does not actually rise in the east? It rises from the northeast. I sit there, watching the sky with quiet anticipation, listening to the wind moving through the treetops, when suddenly I feel that familiar surge of anxiety. The very same feeling that has, at times in the past, seemed to knock me off my feet, almost like a panic attack. Yet what it is really saying is this: I want to leave. I want to go somewhere familiar, where the places are known, where time itself feels familiar. I look at this feeling within me... and I let it be. I wrap myself more tightly in my jacket to keep out the cold and the insects, and continue sitting there. The truth is, it is actually rather pleasant. Surprising! I truly am not afraid. And all this time I believed I was afraid of being alone in a dark forest...

The horizon begins to glow, and suddenly the birds burst into a magnificent choir. At first, only a few modest voices, then gradually more and more, until the whole world rings once again with birdsong. In the meantime, the moon has pulled itself free from the clouds and now shines brightly in the sky, ready to pass the baton to the coming day. A new day is beginning.

I gather my things. This adventure has come to an end. I met myself. Yes, even the part of myself I do not particularly like. Looking back later on that night's journey, I realised just how selfish and greedy I can be, failing to notice all that I already have, all that is already within my reach. But I am grateful for my encounter with the owl. It was the owl that had screamed out before quietly settling onto a branch, reminding me that ancient inner wisdom is quiet, gentle, and already lives within us.

And the path I am walking—it has a heart.

With warmth, Anu